January 26, 2006
This is also why.You are advised to read my earlier post, i.e. the one after this one, first. Especially the second last paragraph. Cos this is a little extrapolation into the more private sphere.
Unfortunately, I'm someone with little double-standard. haha... I can hear miss chin laughing out loud in Japan now. Shit, just try to believe it ok.
So, as I said, I have serious difficulties coming to terms with people giving stupid reasons for making a seemingly good decision. Reasons that are perhaps kinder on the ego and softer on rejection but nevertheless, plainly stupid and ridiculous if you throw 2 cents worth on it. It makes the other person feel like an idiot too, having no alternative but to accept such stupid and ridiculous reason, won't it? Hence, sometimes, in order to be polite and not taking others as complete idiots, I'd rather just ignore and avoid than to make stupid excuses for rejecting people.
I wish, among readers of this blog, one of you is my primary schoolmate. Because I'm plagued and torn by this sense of guilt and a reluctance to take one of my schoolmate for an idiot. He is trying to organise a class gathering, you see. And, I most certainly would not like to attend. Why? Cos I don't think I click with them anymore, and I do not find conversations that keep going back to 'do you remember that time when...' particularly engaging. I've attended a few before this and it's quite painful, making a decision to stay for that 5 more minutes or to be rude and leave even before my butt begins to heat the chair pad. I just don't know what to say in this kind of gatherings anymore.
But I do appreciate this classmate's effort at still trying to get the class together and staying in touch with most of us. It's not an easy feat. However, my appreciation does not render my presense at this gathering. You know what I mean?
I didn't answer his call, from both his home and mobile, and I have yet to reply his sms. I thought of telling him that I'm just not available that particular day. I even resorted to wanting ah girl to help me call back and say that he got the wrong number and maybe I've changed my mobile number. I thought of smsing him to say I am working overseas, until I remembered he lives in the same neighbourhood as me. But, see, I said I have little double-standard, right? I just don't wish to treat the poor guy like an idiot.
That's why.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:37
So, what's the big deal? BAH!I've actually been waiting and keeping my eyes peered at the forum section of Today. So far, nothing. Which is kinda strange.
I was anticipating some feminist or/and intelligent person to write in regarding the Recommendation Paper made sometime last week by this review team... Really can't remember the name of it. Basically, the one that Ng Eng Hen was in and proposed giving bonus shares to our NS men in recognition of the effort they put into defending this country.
The one that, when reported in the news which I saw on TV Mobile, made my jaw drop about 2 cm and prompted my first reaction - 'So, now it's a big deal to go through NS is it?' I didn't even bother lowering my voice. Cos it, is, ridiculous.
And when Eug called the other day, Saturday, I think, we were talking about it. If I didn't manage to convert him to my line of argument, at least I think he couldn't disagree with it.
Lousy disguise for the political reason behind that ridiculous recommendation. I'm just surprised no one has brought it out in the open media yet.
From the papers...31First, they use the 2 years spent at NS as one of the justifications why the men has a headway of a few hundred bucks in starting pay range. Then, men are given preference when it comes to certain job openings and candidature for job promotions. It sorta paints an anti-thesis to a certain credit card going by 'The men don't get it'. Cos we know now that the truth is 'The women don't get it'. Now, further attempt by the i-dunno-what-review-committee to level it out.
Forgive the pun, but I really don't get it. Men of this country, save for the category of 'local talent', go through NS and then, either become NSFs or reservists. So, like every year, they go back to reservists for 2 weeks (or less) and they take their IPPT - a time to earn extra allowance if you get a gold or silver award. And, it's a big deal. We should, hence, recognise and appreciate their effort - in training for their IPPT 2 weeks before the test as well as effort in making their rounder bums and beer bellies back for reservist, and of course all the slacking and loafing away while they are on reservist. Clearly, an excellent excuse for pulling away from the naggings of the wife and the screamings of the kids at home. What they are saying now is that we should recognise all these. It's essential, you know, to the defence of this country. And what better way to show our appreciation than to give monetary handouts! *applause*
Totally ridiculous. So, are you saying that the women do not contribute as much to the building and defence of this country? Think it's easy to juggle family and work 365 days a year, 24/7? If you think working in the military can be such a drudgery and therefore should be given recogniton, how about the road cleaners? How about so many other workers stuck in so many slave-driving jobs? At least the army is a rich slave-driver, if you were to compare.
I'm not advocating that women should be given this handout too. Honestly, 200 bucks can amount to nothing after an impulsive purchase of just a tiny branded handbag or about 2 weeks of grocery and other small household items if your spending pattern is similar to my mum. It's really not a lot.
So, you see, I'm really not hankering after this measly sum. But, I just have serious difficulties coming to terms with people giving lousy justifications for a decision, or recommendation. In a way, I feel cheated and taken for a myopic fool, blinded to the bigger picture. And it's very, very annoying when it comes from a big brother.
Shit. Hullo!!! "I Not Stupid Too, ok!"
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:17
January 23, 2006
Documents from lunchAt 12.05pm today, I was sitting alone at the coffeeshop at the block infront of mine, midway through my vegetarian bee hoon and lemon tea. The cost was $3.50 in all. On certain days of my scrimp-and-save programme, I splurge on lunch.
I'm not, firstly, the kind who would rather bear with hunger than to even imagine having meals outside all alone, with no companion. On the other hand, I'm the kind who would rather bear with hunger than have to uproot my butt from any chair, bed or sofa to go out for a meal. In fact, I can be too lazy to even snack at home. I just will my hunger away. Sometimes, my saviours from starvation come in the form of my parents buying food back for me. haha...
Today, however, since the weather is nice and I predict having to do some menial work like helping my mum clean our kitchen later, I decided to go splurge on that vegetarian bee hoon.
Downstairs, taxi drivers are having their lunch - big portions of nasi briyani, nasi lemak or the greasy char kway teow (albeit good enough to have taken part in this culinary competition hosted by the tv station some years ago). I never am a fan of char kway teow - my craving for it occurs once half a year or so. I chose a seat just directly below the suspended TV set that was turned to the National Geographic Channel. Ah girl found it puzzling why would a coffee shop subscribe to cableTV and keep the NatGeo channel as one of their most favourite channel. You know, most others would have ESPN or some sports channel or CNA airing away as you down your chow. I have no idea why too, but I think it's quite cool and for that, I'd throw in 1 more star in the rating of the downstairs coffee shop.
At 12.05pm, I was mid way through my vegetarian bee hoon. I did the usual scan around, taking in what others were doing at the coffee shop. Three men were looking in my direction. Only not at me, but at the snakes that were slithering above me through the TV screen - it could have been some snake chronicle thing that never had a season finale in NatGeo channel. They were engrossed. That's when I realised where I was seated was the best position to sit and observe the goings-about in the downstairs coffee shop.
There was a little girl, very fair, with pretty eyes and chubby cheeks, at the drinks counter. The daughter of one of the counter aunties, I suppose. The Char Kway Teow uncle was having Zhap Chai Png. I wondered how was the transaction like between him and the Zhap Chai Png uncle. Like you know, would there be any goodwill, discount, etc, between both stall holders. On my right, there were 2 bespectacled ladies having chicken rice. They looked like teachers, probably from the Mayflower School just a zebra-crossing away. On my left, there were 2 men having Indian Nasi. In front, 2 ladies and a man. They were having chicken rice and noodles. The man looked younger than the ladies. They could be church workers, probably from the methodist church further down. And there were many other people, mostly man, having their meals. A handful must be cabbies, cos the downstairs coffee shop owes much of its prosperity to the large carpark in front of it. In turn, the residents around this area owes the relative ease of getting cabs to both the carpark and the coffee shop.
At 12.25pm, I finished my bee hoon and was full. I felt like buying the savoury Jacob crackers to munch on later. I couldn't find it at the provision shop. I saw packets of Cheezels, tomato twisties and curry twisties. I remembered my cold symptoms. Then, I turned the corner and strode back to my house.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:20
January 22, 2006
Of Kon Ban WaI'm here, right here, waiting for dear Miss Chin to be done with her packing. Here is at her house. And she's packing because she is going to Tokyo at 6am, which will be in another five and half hours, for a business trip.
It's kinda strange as to why I'm sitting here, typing an entry for my blog when I'm actually hungry and in need of food. And beside me now is my dear ah girl, looking at photos and yearbooks that miss chin so randomly and quite (i quote ah girl) scatter-brainly handed out to her. I guess I was just hoping that blogging will distract me from the growl that has started to orchestra within my tummy.
That aside, it's kind of fun and amusing to be here when miss chin packs her overflowing luggage, thinking if she should just leave her shampoo and conditioner behind so as to make space for some equally mundane things.
*and at this point in time, she has requested that I mention in my blog that she was the one who stopped and changed my course of plan, which was to hand her the bak kwa and go have my supper*
I mean, honestly, it's quite heart-warming to see your best friend do something like packing luggage for a business trip. Especially when you know exactly how she will end up doing it, and for that matter, when she will end up doing it. The mistake was truly mine, to come up and join her in her scatter brain activity, and ended up being stuck here. There are certain things you can expect in life and should try to avert. However, somehow, you find yourself doing exactly what you were trying to avert. And that's the kinda predictament I have found myself in now.
Still, I did say it was heart-warming, right? Because not just anyone can make you feel comfortable enough to just sit around and use her lap top while she busy herself packing. If you have the (mis)fortune to be with the three of us now, in this room, you will see ah girl engrossed in the NYJC 1998 yearbook, wendy chin taking out her stuff from the luggage and re-packing them in as tightly as she can, and me engrossed in telling you what we are each doing, individually. In between, exchanges of information and sharing some common giggle as ah girl throws out questions about our time in NYJC.
Meanwhile, the night is progressing and my tummy is still growling. And, I still have no idea when miss chin would finally be done with her (still) overflowing luggage.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:17
January 20, 2006
Our cycling, jogging and hula hoopingThe weather has been keeping girl and me from going to ECP to cycle and going out to do night-jogging. We ended up either eating more (e.g. New Zealand Natural at Parkway Parade) or staying home to watch more tv, snacking on bak kwa and choco, or joining my sister's daily routine of doing the hula hoop.
xxx
Gloss your way through thisI heard from girl about how she looks so despondent in school nowadays. And how she told her that she's been crying so much, and waking up feeling like a tap that wasn't turned off properly. Erm, that metaphor was mine. hee
I had wanted to call her sometime at night, to just talk. After all, I was the oldest and referred to as da jie da by her in the SPG group. But, ashamed, I didn't get down to that. My resolution of last year - stop procrastinating - didn't really get carried to full term.
I guess what I want to say and have to say boils down to my believing that a relationship should be the extra icing on top of the cake; something that should add value and overall happiness to life, and not to undermine the other simple pleasures of living.
If the current me was the current her, I would show the guy the exit out of my life. The BIG, NEON GREEN E-X-I-T. I feel too old and wasted to allow a man, who is not ready to share his life and share mine in a harmonious way, to dig a tunnel for my tears due to him. On that note, I disallow a woman (ok, OR girl) to do that too. Sheer waste of time that could have been spent smelling the flowers.
But, because I'm not her, I try to rest my case as simply and as early as I can. Living is about first, crying, then growing to find the reasons to smile about before the end kicks in. And that's when everyone else around you cries for the loss of you, hopefully. Eh?
If there are toads to be kissed before you can find a prince, wear your favourite lip-gloss.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:45
Do ants do spring cleaning?For the most of this week, I've been dutifully inducing spring to my room by cleaning away the dust that has settled on my boxes and shelves of storage space. As well as my mess of a desk that is tranforming to reclaim its status as a desk again.
Truthfully, I enjoy such acts of transforming my mess of a room and re-arranging my possessions (in order to mould them for another mess that is bound to take place in the duration of the next 12 months). If you like, it feels like starting anew. You know, throwing out oh-so-sweet (but useless and dusty) remnants from the last love affair and last attempt at a committed love relationship.
I've managed to throw out a paper rose from the V-day of a long-ago relationship that I've sentimentally kept for 6 years in a Daffy Duck cup (I scrubbed the cup clean and placed it in the kitchen now). The person who gave me this expired paper flower is supposed to pass me, within the next week, a tin of hazelnut cookies that I ordered from his mum for CNY. He still has yet to return me my 'Catcher in the rye' book. Maybe I can exchange the dust that would have undoubtedly collected on my book for a discount on the cookies.
I still didn't throw out the (useless and dusty) many cards from a past relationship, unlike the other remnants that have long suffered the incinerator treatment months and years ago. I have a soft spot for cards, really. In fact, a soft spot for things that has any penmanship, save for the birthday and x'mas cards sent by insurance agents whom I've never met personally.
It was through a half hour browse through all these cards that I remembered I used to have a pen-pal by the name of Jenny Chan, her birthday (I recall now, off the top of myhead) is 24th August.
I flipped the 3R-size photo albums too. And I saw faces that jolted open some archives of my memory, pouring out names to match those faces. Edward from Victoria School, schoolmate of pri sch classmate Jefferey, whom I got to know from a visit to SPCA. Super fair skinned guy, crappy for his age then, and well, pretty cute then. Zhiwei, whose birthday falls on 25th Sept, whom I got to know at the tuition centre, whom Anna and me had a crush on. Single-eyelid, no good in studies but witty and sharp-tongued for his age then. Christin, Indonesian, my classmate in lower sec who got transferred out, whom I kept in touch with for 4 or 5 years before her name and face slipped into the crevice of my memory. Ms Chng, a teacher-in-training who was posted to my pri school to teach my class for a few months. We did a lot for her, as students who found it difficult to accept such a pretty and young teacher leaving us at her end of term with us. She made us all a name-chop by carving our names out in a small piece of Pelican eraser. My name-chop is still on my shelf.
It's pretty cool, don't you think? To spring clean and in the process, do some defragmentation of the hard disk that forms our memory.
Jas (CL) told me yesterday over msn, that ants do spring cleaning too. It's when you see an army of them carrying something and busying around to what seemed like their home. I asked if she knows how long do ants take to do spring cleaning. She didn't answer me. Do ants also do ancestor worship once every year? Their ancestors who were killed in daily disasters of being stepped on by my size 5 shoes.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:09
January 15, 2006
Unsettling SettlersSecond time at the Settlers cafe (a different branch though) but first time playing. First time Candice met Wendy. It was Wenn's suggestion. I absolutely have no idea why she suggested. She's getting a bit neurotic, my best friend.
Our first game was this game which has the objective of building cities, roads, monasteries or farms using randomly selected cards. Then, scoring from what we've built. I won!
Our second game was 'King Me!' I liked that game. It's basically a game of moving characters up the hierarchy of a kingdom and voting or ousting characters from the position of the king. Then, scoring from the characters that 'survived' in the end. I got 2nd place! Clever Ah girl won!
Our third game was 'Blockus'. I talked my way into losing the game. haha. Cos I was on the phone with GQ for that 5 minutes that we were being taught how to play the game. So, I just hatam lah. And got trapped by evil co-players and lost. It was a good trade-off for one yummy chickie wing though!
The last game we played and the one that generated a lot of noise and stupid, silly expression from us was 'Taboo!' A small pee in the small pee? A what in the what? A Piscean goldfish? It was hilarious, all right. Good debut co-op effort for Candice and Wenn! As for me and girl... hee... it's OK!!! We all have our own strengths can!
We should go there again someday! Can you imagine asking Kyn to give the clues to 'G-string'? By the time she finished laughing and tsk-ing, the time would have run out. And her team-member, apple, would have felt like killing her. FUN!!!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 18:20
Names-callingSo, we met up on Friday the 13th. We confirmed our suspicion that the age of 26 is a cursed age. I'm sorry that Mr Peado is still recovering from the aftermath of his curse since 3 years ago. But, it's kinda satisfying to know that I've made an impact on someone's life, albeit him being a Mr Peado. And I hope it makes him feel better knowing that I'm suffering from the curse as of Jan 1 this year.
Congrats on taking the plunge into Marriage Valley! V-day is obsolete, please. Sink the stone down the Towering Temptation Sundae at Swensen's. The ring bearer and the Temptation Tower... exciting!
The best part of the evening was when I laughed till I teared. Personally, I wouldn't call my daughter Sama-sama. But, I think Snowlet, Snowflake and Oompa-oompa are nobel-winning names for children of a father called 'Snow'. Snowlet Tan Xiao Xue, Snowflake Tan Xue Hua (haha, Kudos Annie for this!) or Oompa-oompa Tan Wang Ba. Indigenous!
On a more serious tone, regarding that long-awaited career switch, be very assured that facilitating tests for students for a day is 364 hells different from teaching a class for a year.
Miss Clarity was good! Hope the Beavers were kind too. As for the depressed shoppers, hey!!! I managed to buy a dress, a pair of pants and a top for CNY! From Toa Payoh! Yay!!!
The sky cleared for more blue. ^_^
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 17:30
January 12, 2006
The sidesI saw this new email on the side bar of her blog site. I never knew she has that email account. Is that where all her admirers send their emails to?
I saw nothing on the side bar of her blog site. She's been telling me that there's a problem with her blog side menu. I don't know what's wrong with it either.
I saw that she never changed what she put in her side bar intro ever since she started blogging. I still like that nickname that stuck.
I saw her mood that rarely deviates from a general state of pissed and angst on the side bar of her blog. She said 'Get out of my face'.
I saw my own side bar. I thought of changing it. But, I just changed the description above and it already didn't make much sense. I think I'm losing it.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:54
January 11, 2006
She said she's turning into a bitch.I just read her blog. She said she's turning bitchy because she's creating unpleasantness to other people's lives. Ya, simply by asserting her expectations in a slightly more bitchy way.
I think it's a natural progression. From being abused by all kinds of shit from the people who hover behind us in office to becoming capable of clamouring so that you don't get stepped all over. If you ask me, absolutely nothing wrong in making yourself heard, especially if your state of being pissed is a result of inefficiency and stupidity on others' part. Since we are all trying to make ourselves heard, nothing wrong with cutting other people short so that we get our point across first. Right?
Picture this...
Salesgirl: Hi, can I help you? We are having a sale now.. (blahblah)
Girl: Oh, it's ok... we are just looking around.
Salesgirl: Hi, can I help you? We..
Me: No.I think I'm luckier. I'm in possession of a look that has great potential to say a lot more without me even opening my mouth. And when I'm really pissed, most of the general public can tell that a minimum of 4metres is safe distance to keep away from me. I know some hate how I look. But, hey, when I'm really pissed, you think I'd give a shit?
So, bravo, Bblics! I think you are turning lovelier too! ha~
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:35
What do you do when you are an age-schizo?You see, my mum told me to get a dress for the Chinese New Year. She said a dress would be good to go to wedding dinners in. And I do have two coming up the next month. I decided to take up her suggestion.
Yesterday, girl and me went to Bugis to shop for a pair of pants for her and a dress for me. What a mistake!
Putting aside the fact our mobility was severely restricted by the crowd, the 3 pairs of pants that she tried and the 1 dress that I tried pointed out 3 rather demoralising facts about both of us:-
1. The sizes are too small for her --translated to--> she's getting more horizontally challenged.
2. The sizes are too big for me --translated to--> I'm too slim, still.
3. The clothes at Bugis look too juvenile on me --translated to--> I'm beginning to feel really, really old.
Please try to understand that I am 26 this year but have great potential to look like a 22 year old and who really feels like a 30 year old. And, I'm conserving my money to live on for these 2 months.
I came home to tell my mum it's too difficult to buy a dress that is 1. affordable, 2. looks my age, 3. of good material, 4. of my size and built. Then, she gave me the perfect solution - buy one from the market. I think at time of depression, it's a great comfort to have a mum who has a great sense of humor.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:04
How about a lavender-green i.c.?Good news! I found a photocopy of my lost i.c. among the mess of my room. That discovery, together with the support of my dear friend Snow, changed my plan for today.
Instead of going to ICA with a good book in hand to read as I wait for my queue number to be called, I am going to zap more copies of that precious copy of the i.c. and use it for my job applications.
Instead of spending 300 freaking bucks on a pink plastic that essentially has not much use, I'm gonna spend that money on buying some nice clothes and shoes to welcome the new doggy year. Snow reminded me that he could have bought 3 shirts from Raoul with 300 bucks. That sort of confirmed my belief that the pink plastic is truly not worth the splurge, at least not now.
Instead of having lunch outside and agonizing over what to eat, I'm gonna stay home and eat the lunch my mum cooked cos I'm in no rush to go ICA anymore.
Instead of going to ICA, I'm going to do up my resume at home and start readying to send job applications.
Honestly, the i.c. is a thing that really has no effective use in life. Perhaps with the exception of borrowing books from the library. Right? For most other purposes, the passport will suffice. Actually, I can apply for a library card and that would eradicate remnant use of the i.c. Did I miss out any other use for the pink plastic?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 11:42
January 09, 2006
The cost of my current lifestyle...... is 2kg off my already deficient weight.
I'm hungry but I don't feel like eating anything. And am too lazy to prepare or go out in this rain to buy anything to eat.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:54
Return to DepressionIt rained the whole of yesterday. It looks like it's gonna rain for the rest of today as well. Is there a reason for anyone to feel chirpy about a Monday this blue?
Let me, then, tell you why I'm on the verge of depression.
1. Over the new year, I've learnt kindness and honesty has no chance against greed and dishonesty. So, I hope X's (X being the person who took my wallet and everything else within it) bed is infested with ticks and fleas.
2. The cost of replacing an i.c. if you lost it for the 2nd and subsequent time is 300 freaking bucks. If it's ok to send photocopies of passport in job applications instead of i.c, I would like very much to take up Anna's suggestion to see how long a person can remain identity-card-less. Meanwhile, I'd just borrow books with my gf's i.c.
3. The most productive thing I've done in a week is to cut out 2 recruit ads from Sat's papers. One of them requires a photocopy of my non-existent i.c.
4. I just went to highlight my hair. I walked out of the salon looking... almost exactly like how I looked when I stepped in. Miscommunication and... can I just blame the stylist for her lousy and ill-informed recommnedation? Very disappointing. The boss has agreed to let me go back for a free highlight session anytime. I just need to find another one-hour slot when I have nothing to do and cannot think of doing anything more productive. That would be about everyday till I get a job, isn't it?
5. The rain. The rain that has made even both my canine friends at home so depressed (I'm assuming dogs feel under the weather too) that they just keep sleeping instead of playing with me. Who said a dog is a man's best friend?
6. My messy desk and room. Don't you dare ask why don't I clean it up since I'm so free anyway! It's my room, ok! Bleah!
Isn't it funny how whenever you feel bored and depressed about life, you feel like doing something to your hair? I suddenly feel like cutting my hair short.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:08
January 08, 2006
Wind. Flowers. Snow. Moon.I got to know a Shanghainese on my flight back from my trip some few weeks ago. It was her first time on a plane, first time out of China. So, we sort of made small talk on the flight before I couldn't disguise my sleepy eyes and had to excuse myself to sleep. She's visiting some colleagues (MNC) in Singapore.
I brought her out two days in the 3 weeks that she was here. Actually, just once. The first time she merely tagged along with girl and me on our shopping at Marina.
The last time we met, she told me how she missed Shanghai and was actually looking forward to going back. I would be missing Singapore a lot too if I were away for 3 weeks. However, as I soon found out, her reason was miles different from mine. Mine was a simple and rather superficial reason - I miss the food.
She said she likes Singapore and the multi-cultural society and the weather (she was looking forward to a wamer Christmas compared to a winter one). However, the one thing she found immensely different between Singapore and Shanghai was what she called 'feng hua xue yue'. She quoted an example. In Shanghai, people waiting at the train stations or outside shopping malls really enjoy people watching. When a really good looking guy or gal comes into their vision, they cast intense looks at the person and smile and then, will be reciprocated with a smile from the hunk or babe.
I figured, there is a lot more looking and smiling at good-looking strangers in where she lives. She explained that she found Singapore 'colder', that people seem to exercise more social distance here.
I can't refute that. So, I'm just making a note of it here.
She also mentioned, with laughter, that there's more decadence in Shanghai. This is something I find interesting. The Shanghai people seem, in a strange way, proud of the state of 'decadence' in their city. To them, prosperity and progress is what matters. The next tallest building in the world, the next world record they are breaking, the most this, most that... and it's like their pride. But, I was just thinking, what's the motivation behind all these and most importantly, what's the point of all these?
Maybe we'll talk about it at our coming GID. We, is Shameless, Bionic and moi!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:32
January 06, 2006
Me and my Discovery ChannelActually, it's a repeat telecast of 'The Best of Discovery 2005'.
I watched...
- Sea disasters and how technology can help to increase the survival chance of people stranded at sea when a disaster at sea happens. I learnt... that despite being surrounded by water, a fire at sea is one of the most difficult fires to put out.
- Zero Hour to Nuclear Disaster at Chernobyl. Recount of minutes and seconds to the fateful nuclear disaster. I learnt... it's a disaster brewed by man's weakness and political reasons.
- Rameses: Wrath of God or Man? About a pharoah (I can't make out the English spelling from the Chinese subtitles) and his heir, Egypt and Moses and the Hebrews, the bible and how modern forensics can offer answers different from that in the bible.
- The FBI file of this man who robs banks in the States and escaped to Mexico.
I can't remember the last time I had so much time to sit down and watch TV like now.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:58
The weight of thoughtsI was at Library@Orchard yesterday. You know mothers... they tend to call at the most untimely of time. Just as I stepped into the library main shelf section, my dear mother called. I was whispering into the phone to tell my mum I would not be home for dinner.
A librarian, or what they now call Library Etiquette Guardian (which other country has such job titles for someone who works in the library?!?!) came to me and told me handphones are not allowed in the library.
Ok. Sorry. The last time I went to the library, which really wasn't that long ago, the library gave its visitors a minute or so to at least say "Ok, I can't talk now. Call you back" in hushed tone. After a short trip to China, I come back to find these Etiquette Guardians put in place to reinforce absolute silence in the library. How lovely.
It's nothing personal. Really. Of course I understand I need to keep quiet in the library. On my occasional trips to the library, I even try not to sneeze or cough too loudly in the library. I'm that considerate. Ya?
But, yesterday was not just any normal day. Yesterday was the third day in the first week of the school year. A school year that no longer has any relevance to me. And if you ask me, I say it's really harder than I thought.
From waking up at 6.30am and working with children, students, sending them off in the school vans, shared sighs of relief with colleagues, lunch and lament, lesson planning, marking and finally, saying goodbyes to whoever's left in the staff room at 4pm... to the kind of life I'm living now.
I really don't want to complain. And I'm really not. But, the truth is... I miss my work and I miss working with a lot of people from the school. You know how you miss doing something that once gave you great sense of satisfaction... it's like, I used to spend time so meaningfully. A day's energy all spent within one morning. And look at what time I wake up nowadays. By the time I wake up, my friends in the school would have finished half their workday! Surprise, surprise, I find that so totally not shiok.
Anyway, my point was, this is getting harder than I thought. Girl told me how a number of people have been asking her how am I doing and that they miss me too. But, they are in a group. I'm alone, at home. Just me and my Discovery Channel. And I miss all these individual persons, little characteristic of each one of them. And all these amount to a lot of things to miss.
It depresses me. So, I felt very, very personal after the Guardian of the library told me off - my already minimal contact with other people. From then till I got to meet girl for dinner, I felt smallest among the hordes of shoppers in Orchard.
It's the first time I ever felt this way in all my experience of unemployment. Suddenly, I'm the only non-productive person here.
xxx
I miss...~ CJ's sun-shinely smile
~ Zie's cackle
~ Cara's half-hidden knowing smile
~ Hwee Ping's anxiety and self-cursing humor
~ Gin's smile when she realises she's been tricked
~ Nath's calming voice and her baby-in-tummy
~ Juleha's sense of humor
~ Thila's roll of her big eyes
~ Nisha's straight-faced jokes
~ Sha's jovial, bubbly disposition
~ Nis's teasing
~ calling Delly 'Delly Darling'
~ Jas's tired but friendly smile
~ Florence's quiet support and our funny recounts about our kids
~ Bee Lay's look of desperation and occasional laughter within
~ Karen's Hokkien dialogue with me
~ Kay's squatting down beside my workdesk, complaining of someone or her day and her frowns and occasional F-up face
I miss all the smiles from everyone. The smile that said 'I know it's been a tough day, but hang in there! You're not alone.'
Not anymore. Now, I'm alone. Just me and my Discovery Channel.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 12:19
January 04, 2006
From actress to audienceI miss my students. Honestly, I miss the work, the colleagues and to a certain degree, the workplace too.
I wake up typically, around 9am and one of my first few thoughts would be 'it's almost recess time'. I laze around in bed, thinking of what I would be doing today, for an hour or so. I drag myself out of bed, having decided on what I would have for breakfast. Then, I watch TV while eating. Some time here, I think 'it's nearing 1 o'clock (dismissal time in school)'. I can almost share the sigh of relief as students get packed into school vans that will bring them back to their helpers or parents at home. I watch more TV and then, the afternoon news till around 1.30pm, 2pm if there's something nice on Discovery Channel. And I think 'lesson plans and marking of books followed by knock off at 3.30pm'.
I picture in my mind what I would be doing if I were still on my last job. Images running in my mind, parallel to whatever would be showing on Discovery or Hallmark. It feels like being removed from a scene, where I used to be involved as an actress, and being put in the audience seat. I can identify with the scene and the images. But, only from my position now as an audience. Feels slightly odd.
Nevertheless, I'm not complaining of my state of non-movement and low-productivity now. But, I do need to start looking in papers and finding something to do. My Dad's nag is my biggest motivation. It hasn't started. He's still relatively happy to see me at home cos I can help with his errands. But, man... my experience tells me this won't last. hehe
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:17
There's a very nice curveI wonder if anyone has the same problem as me when it comes to putting down your signature on official documents or some not so official but still important. You see, how your signature looks really depends on your handwriting. And your handwriting depends on the speed, the slant, the type and the quality of the pen, the quality of the paper and, essentially for me, your mood. Isn't it?
Last week, I had to go to the bank to change my passbook and run a few errands due to the unfortunate defeat of kindness and honesty by greed and dishonesty. It opened opportunities to putting down my signature for the purpose of verification. However, as we all know, the bank is always super crowded at the close of the year. My only access to my money is my bank passbook. Did I have a choice? I queued for a total of about 2 hours at 2 different banks to get the chores done and refurbished my temporary wallet with legal tender. I was obviously not in a joyous mood. My signature, therefore, turned out to be less curvy than the one on the passbook.
So, the tellers, both of them, raised their eyebrows and started telling me 'I think there's a very nice curve...'
I ended up signing 8 times in total. Which started me thinking if I should change my signature to a simpler one that would ensure more consistency even if my mood swings like a pendulum.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 13:41